47
AKA John Smith
Contents
Background
Agent 47 was adopted at the age of 1 by Colonel Briggs, a high ranking member of S.A.M.(sons of American Military). Multiple children were adopted for an experimental physical, mental, and chemical treatment program to produce a better soldier. The project claimed over 40 children lives but produced 6 viable candidates with some almost super human abilities. The surviving children were formed into a unit, the Angry Angels, and by the age of 10 entered the field as agents. To further the cause of S.A.M. the children were loaned out to a larger world organization for various terrorist acts. In many government circles the Angry Angels became well known and hunted. At the age of 17 the Angry Angels suffered there first failed mission losing the life of one of their members. Soon after the loss agent 47 turned states witness against S.A.M. and gave what little information he had about the larger organization. With agent 47s help S.A.M. was effectively crippled but the existence of the larger organization could not be proven. Once in the witness protection program agent 47, now called John Smith, received a G.E.D. and later a Associate Degree in Accounting from a local Community College. John is now working as assistant CPA in a local tax office. Though no longer an active soldier John finds some perverse pleasure in continuing to hone his skills, this is attributed to his mental conditioning. The current whereabouts and activities of the remaining 4 members is unknown at this time.
My fucking Diary
If you are reading this and Im still alive, I will kill you.
04/10/96
I'm now officially a civilian! My name is 47 I'm 17 year old soon to be reformed terrorist. Currently I'm in the witness protection program for testifying against my employers. From now on my name is John Smith seriously could they have given me a more generic name. Well I guess the name doesn't really matter it's what I do with it. So the plan is to get a GED maybe some college and a nice quit office job. This is going to be incredibly hard but nothing ventured nothing gained, right?
12/15/96
So this week I was shot, and it wasn’t even my fault! Monday night while using the ATM a poorly disguised voice behind me said “Your money or your life!” so I turn around. What do I see but some 14 year old girl bearing down on me with a revolver? Just by looking at her you could tell she was an amateur with her poor stance, uncontrolled shaking, and fear in her eyes. For the amusement I was going to give her my money but when I reached for my wallet she panicked and shot me. SHE FUCKING SHOT ME! I limped right up to her took the pistol put it up to her head pulled the hammer back and stopped. Realization donned on me this was not me anymore I’m no longer a cold blooded killer. So I did the next best thing I took her school ID and said “Never again!” then limped off. After healing I found myself curious as to what would cause the girl I now know as Candy to try armed robbery. I also wanted to know what kind of parent gives there kids a stripper name. I mean seriously “Candy” what the fuck? A stalking I went to find out more about Candy. She lived in the most ghetto of neighbor hoods in a run down apartment building. It didn’t take me long to find out everything about her due to loose lipped neighbors. That old lady with binoculars was really well informed about her neighbors. Anyway Candy was 14 the oldest of 4 kids with a mom who left when she was 5 and a dad who spent what little they had on drugs and booze. The only food they could get was bought with money Candy stole from her dad before he could piss it away. Looking at kids wearing rags emaciated I couldn’t blame Candy for turning to theft. Now I had a decision to make do I walk away, or do I act like a mother fucking bad ass? The choice was no brainer!
09:00hrs Friday morning the children were off to school and the dad was in some hell hole sleeping it off. Sneaking into the building was simple, and front door lock was even easier. I didn’t know how much time I had so I worked fast. First I filled there cupboards and fridge to bursting with food. Then I put the new clothes in there bedroom drawers (I wasn’t really sure about the sizes kind of had to eyeball it). Lastly I cleaned the entire place taking all the trash with me when I left. All that was left was to sit and watch when they returned.
15:06hrs Friday the children returned home! There eyes went wide in shock and started to run around checking for what else had changed. The excitement and joy of each discovery warmed me to my core. Then Candy found my little surprise in the fridge a revolver with a flattened barrel and a note saying”NEVER AGAIN”. It’s kind of awesome being a bad ass, now I just have to break in every couple weeks to restock the fridge. I wonder if the kids count as my pets.
08/21/97
Ah summer a time of joy and celebration, unless you’re stuck in a mascot outfit for your part time job. This summer I’m Mr. Sprinkles a lovable mascot of a traveling carnival in town for the next month. The job is fairly boring except for this one incident I had while promoting the carnival down town. It was about 20:00 and I was waiting for my ride back to carnival to change out of Mr. Sprinkles costume when I heard a scream behind me. Some hottie was being dragged down alley by some punks. So it was decision time again I could just wait for my ride get out of this incredibly uncomfortable costume or I could be a badass Mr. Sprinkles…… FEAR MR. SPRINKLES! I ran as fast as possible in the costume turning the corner I saw 5 guys pinning the hottie. Normally when faced with superior numbers while in a suit that restricts movement you would be at a disadvantage. Luckily I already prepared for this possibility… That’s right Mr. Sprinkles was packing (you actually would be surprised what you can fit in this costume). Even when armed with a bean bag loaded shotgun they didn’t take me seriously and all 5 started moving towards me. Now a thought occurred to me that given the current state of our judicial system these individuals would receive little to no punishment regarding this crime. So 5 nut shots later the punks had been subdued and hottie freed at which point she became really clingy freaking me out. So I ran away…Im not proud of it but what do you do in that situation. That’s been the only excitement so far with this job and now there is this urban legend about a cartoon character vigilante. AWESOME!
09/05/98
So last month was a hell of a month! For starters my car broke down and I was stuck with public transportation and then all the real bad shit happened. First couple days I started riding the subway and had no real complaints until some dumb ass left something on the track and they hit it making a very abrupt stop. The accident would not have been so bad except some single mom was letting her 3 year old walk the isle. I ended grabbing the kid shielding him with my body before we impacted the door. The kid was fine but I cracked a rib and was cut up by glass thus ended my use of the subway. Next was the bus that got T-boned at an intersection knocking me through the window? Giving up on public transportation I tried biking to work and was hit by a car on the first day! Lastly walking that should be safe right? Oh no no no! On the way home I was shot by some dumbass gang banger. So I refused to go back to work until I could drive. Staying up all night I finally fixed my car and drove to work. Yet again the bad, on the way home the steering locked up sending me straight into a telephone pole. WHAT THE HELL! At this point I was fairly sure I had brain damage because I was seeing a Shinto Priestess. I shit you not an honest to god Shinto Priestess! The Shinto Priestess is like a nun except you know hot. Well her and her middle aged companion start showing concern for me and Im trying to be all tough guy about the whole thing. Despite the fact my arm is like a wet noodle my leg is aiming the wrong way and Im fairly sure my ribs are fucked. So we of course go to a bar from here my memory gets kind of hazy. I remember looking at the priestess a lot named Mai and Liam talking a lot. At one point he challenged my competence and that really pissed me off I think. Eventually there was a job offered to save the world and I accepted which is cool. Me saving the world with middle aged dude and a Shinto Priestess even if there just crazy it should be good for a laugh. If they are for real and we do get to save the world I don’t think there is a word to describe the awesome. Now I just have to figure out how to get some new wheels. R.I.P piece of shit car I miss you not!
04/12/99
